• Women – keep this window open to cross-reference his pictures with pictures of Pierce Brosnan.
• Men – time to find some photos that don’t appear in Google image search results

I assure you, none of these was written by Pierce Brosnan:

“Yadda yadda yadda wocka wocka wocka” = “‘I love you”

“The only current missing piece is a vacant spot on my arm” = “As soon as I can get this ring off my finger and this wife off my arm, I’ll call you.”

“I have yet to be on America’s Most Wanted” = “. . . so, when I yell ‘DRIVE!’ you get us the f@ck out of here!”

“If I were on Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood, Henrietta would take one look at me and say, ‘Meow, meow if I weren’t a hand puppet, I’d hit it, meow.’” = Crafting the perfect dating profile can sometimes trigger an acid flashback

“Helped invent GPS guided bombing” = “Don’t break up with me, or else. . . “

“I like to make up stupid lyrics to well known songs” = Weird Al is on JDate

“My friends all say that I never give girls a chance and that I am too picky. I don’t feel that there is such a thing as too picky” = “You don’t stand a chance”

“Will try anything once” = “Bring a friend. I swear it’s the first time I’m doing this”

“Raised Catholic, but have learned to distrust organized religion.” = Raised Catholic

“I can be lazy, but I really don’t want to be lazy” = Really fucking lazy

“I want to be an actor/writer. I have never done any drugs.” = The difference between “wanting” and becoming is drugs

“I’m a sometimes college professor” = Higher standards in education desperately needed

“The problem with me is that I’m not your typical LA Duche” = “I’m the one that’s missing the O”

“im down to earth, iv got a sence of humor, im funn to be around, i love going out n partying when i can, i have my own landscape design bussnies that keeps me busy” = “im assking u owt”

“I’m not a shopper, I’m a guy. I go buy things” = “I’m not a cheater, I’m a guy.  I . . . “

“Occupation: I am a living, breathing stereotype. Except for the flakiness, drug addicted, stench of loser-dom part” = Actor

“I was going to stick my head in the oven, but decided that this would be a sub-optimal solution” = “Suicide. . .? Online dating. . . ? Suicide. . . ? Online dating. . . ? Suicide. . . ?”

Interests: garage sailing = Not going very far

“(My apologies, but for search purposes on Match – My age is 43 not 40)” = “Looking for an (18 – 3) year-old”

“I clean before my maid shows up” = “Here’s your earring. . .  Please leave before my wife shows up!”

“I don’t let it take over my life but I allow myself my threes, particularly on a stressful day” = Favorite Movie: What About Bob?

“I am equally motivated by intellect and creativity, leading me to become a medical doctor, investor, and singer/songwriter” = “Seeking someone who will believe I’m a single doctor, with loads of money, who plays guitar and sings”

“I have lots of help at home, so I am both physically and emotionally available” = Lives with mom

“I’ve been using Pandora a lot lately. It tells me what music I like” = “Facebook tells me who my friends are. Twitter tells me who to follow. . . What good is technology if it can’t think for you?!”

“If you are no so smart and not so good looking… then I’M GAY!!” = No so smart

“First to die when the alien invasion, drug cartel, and/or ghosts/ghost drug cartels arrive” = “My therapist is away and my prescription ran out”

“My undies are always clean thanks to TIDE (fabreze sport version)” = *Sponsored dating profile

“I like contact, giving a massage is one of my favorite thing to do” = Also has an ad in the back of the LA Weekly

“I love kids – well behaved ones…lol I am a Christian” = Christians only love well-behaved kids, haha

“I’m as honest as you can expect a man to be in a world where it’s going out of style” = “Lying is cool”

“I follow Jesus. I am not, however, religious” = Follows Jesus on Twitter

“Please don’t let my appearance intimidate you” = His picture also appears here

“Even things my parrot says are insightful” = Dumber than a parrot

“My personality is so magnetic I can’t carry credit cards” = “My magnetic personality doesn’t pay for dinner”

“I am an actor and do computer consulting on the side” = Dyslexic computer consultant who waits tables on the side

“Certain things I say are gonna make your head twist around like an animal when it hears a strange noise” = This is called a disclaimer

“You can never have enough friends, that have jobs, are sane, caring and like Vegas….” = “Looking for stable women to support my gambling addiction”

“I hang out by the monkey bars” = Registered sex offender

“The way you know a really good Thai dish is prepared well is if it’s sweet, spicy, sour, and salty. And that’s how I like my women. Lots of different textures and flavors make a woman a lot more interesting” = Cannibalistic tendencies

“I collect bottles and cans” = As revealed on Monday, Beck is on OkCupid

“I am actually “kind of” smart” = “Smart enough to know I’m not ‘that’ smart”

“I respond well to positive reinforcement” = Fortune cookie say: Needs encouragement. . .  in bed.

“Just looking for someone too share some time with who enjoys the things I do going out too dinners watch t.v. go too movies or whatever I am a very compassionate person who really loves too please a woman in all ways” = This sentence is “too” long

“Sometimes I’ll be out with my friends and ditch them at 11:30pm just so i can get to Poncho Villa for a burrito before it closes…priorities!!!!!!! = Don’t be surprised if he leaves you for a burrito

“I’ll be succinct” + 6 paragraph profile = Short story long

“Even when we can’t make love anymore and all we could do is play bingo” = Still looking for that G

“I want someone who “Compliments” me” = We’ll complement each other well, as long as you tell me I’m “Amazing”

“Did I mention that I was sexy?…(lol)” = No, but you’re forgetful and funny

“I’m looking for a partner in crime. Someone I can count on to be there when I fall. To help me get up, brush me off and push me to do it again” = Be prepared to bail me out of jail. . .  multiple times.

“I work in the music biz, support behind the scenes” = drug runner

“I still love my wife” = Married But Playing

“I like shopping for groceries at the mall” = Corn dogs and flat soda for lunch

“I came here to pick my woman” = “I like shopping for women on JDate”

“I have been amused, charmed, and had a few laughs at some of the profiles here” = Reads DatingSiteDictionary.com

“The attraction barometer is what it’s all about” = The Attraction Barometer – soon to be a top-seller at SkyMall

“I don’t have the buttocks exposing work guy pants however” = Plumber envy

“I forgot more than most men know” = This can’t be a good thing

“When my mother died, I quit working to take care of her” = Takes the saying “better late than never” too literally

“I work for an advertizing agency” = “This is one of my best campaigns: 15 Best Things About Our Pubic Schools“

“All I need is two turn tables and a microphone” = Beck is on OkCupid

“I recently just started skateboarding again and realize despite my age I still got skills” = That’s not a skateboard, it’s a walker.

“I thankfully have Blue Cross, God forbid I get hurt and need to use it” = Neurotic sado-masichist

“I’m very laid back, lots of patients” = “You lie back while I play doctor”

“I have no specific skills, but, I can do a few bad yo-yo tricks, and I can touch my nose with my tongue. I know 1 magic trick” = Confused JDate with the application for Ringling Bros.

“I consider myself to be a fairly honest and truthful person” = “I said ‘fairly’ which gets me off the hook for everything moving forward”

“I’m a fairly straight guy” = “I said ‘fairly’ which gets me off the hook for everything moving forward”

“That’s the best way to some myself up” = Failed math and English

“California is God’s Own Country” = Failed geography

“Plus I’m an awesome speller” = Doesn’t want to end up on datingsitedictionary.com

37-year-old man, seeking women 18-35 = 37-year- old man, seeking 18 year-olds

“My type of woman will be my Bonnie to my Clyde” = Possessive

“I use my multiple identities to my advantage, especially when getting preferential seating at restaurants” = “I already have a credit card with your name on it, which I will use to pay for our date”

“We are equally comfortable mingling with different sets of friends and joining up at the end of an evening” = “Throw your keys in the bowl and I’ll see you later!”

“Dont know where to start, but here it goes: Im single and looking” = . . .  for some apostrophes

“I have found it difficult to know grown up women. This may be the right place to do so” = Got kicked off of MySpace for posing as a 16-year-old

“Hoping to meet Ms. Right” = Not looking for Mrs. Right

“What’s in it for you??? If you are my match I will challenge and surprise you on a regular basis” = Not in sales

“I just don’t think I have to pound my chest to get my point across” = Rebellious chimp

Last Read: “The Bible… I went to church this Sunday” = “Coveted my neighbor’s wife Saturday night”

“I live a clean life and drink very seldom. My best friends are usually a little wilder than me” = 40-year-old virgin, signed up for online dating in answer to a dare from “wild” friends

Sports & Exercise: “Other types of exercise” + Exercise Habits: “1-2x/week” = Part-time lover

“What little free time I do have I spend sitting and staring forward, watching horror films, drinking, crying, and eating cheese” = Too busy to date. . . thankfully!

“I prefer to live my life in a fantasy world” = “Meet me in Second Life“

Answer to question #11:  “Wow, there sure are a lot of questions on this thing!” =  “I have the attention span for 2 dates”

“I like to browse psych books and learn about my mind. I’m kind of scattered” = Academic schizophrenic

Last read: “How to be an Adult in Relationships. I’m still reading it” = “You started it!!”

“I have played with numerous bands playing a wide variety of styles, and that has brought me all kinds of opportunities and allowed me to meet a ton of great people” = “Groupies never get old”

“I love learning” = “I’ll learn from you and marry the next woman”

“Sometimes I feel like a ping-pong ball, if you put me in front of a room I’ll make people laugh!” = “Did you hear the one about the ping pong ball that sometimes stands in front of a room and makes people laugh?”

“Dancing will be great although I don’t want to go with some ugly doll” = Pinocchio standing up to Geppetto before Prom

“I like to chirp like a canary” = Safe sex takes on new meaning

“I am outgoing and very spontaneou” = Has difficulty completing things

“I’m a perfectionist who knows he isn’t perfect and doesn’t expect it from others” = Has no idea what it means to be a “perfectionist”

“Don’t play cheating games, been there done that! Not looking for a commitment right away of course” = Tired of playing games, but still wants to sleep around, OK??

“I’ve never been arrested, which makes me proud and a little sad sometimes” =  Criminal, looking for some recognition

“I’m not just for breeding and nor should you be!” = Expelled from Catholic school

“I wish Netflix existed ten years ago; a very big movie fan” = Very big movie fans know that Netflix did exist ten years ago

“And, my dirty little secret is singing Country Music.” = “My petite wife is singing Country Music in the shower”

“She should recognize there is more to life than money and work” = “I have neither”

“Success is important, but I would work less to spend time with those I love than more” =Aspiring stay-at-home dad. Plan on hiring a tutor for English.

“I’m looking for someone who understands that working late sometimes can be for the good of both of us” = “Affairs are good for everyone”

“Live as if you’ll die today, Dream as if you’ll live forever” = “Let’s have sex now, while I dream about Kate Beckinsale”

“My friends describe me as the Leonardo Ninja Turtle of the group” = hangs out with 5-year olds

“Love a lazy morning with my harem of pillows” = “My harem needs a refill”

“Happily was able to Flip Off The Man” = Happily unemployed

“It makes me happy to be with people who have good conflict resolution skills” = Likes to argue

“I am a self-made success from high school. I have wanted to graduate from college my entire childhood, but somehow found a way not to need a college degree.” = Began dealing drugs in high school

“Also, don’t message me if you can’t spell or read.” = “I’m serious! If you can’t read this, don’t message me.”

“I am a committed Christian and the Bible is the “bottom line” in my life. I am not religious, but I am committed.” = Bored inmate

“Can I get a holla?” = Profile created to “Catch A Predator”

“Can’t live without my iPod and flip flops” = you will never be as important to him as a pair of rubber shoes, but if you want to kill him, simply steal his iPod

“I like riding my handcycle along the beach” = “I may go blind”

“Why don’t I have any kids? (popular question) … I haven’t tried to make any!” = Virgin

“I am an avid chess player — when work, looking for new work, managing rental properties, and finishing my masters doesn’t get in the way” = Plays a lot of chess

“I’m confused by condiments.” =  So confused – keeps getting women pregnant

“We share an ease of communication and always engage in lively, fun conversations covering a wide range of topics.” =  Favorite movie: A Beautiful Mind.

“Guitars in cases don’t get played” = Doesn’t believe in using condoms

“I’m here hoping to meet someone that recognizes the importance of good commutation” = Example from Merriam-Webster Dictionary: He appealed for a commutation of his death sentence to life imprisonment

Lists “how I met your mother” among “A Few Of My Favorite Things” = your father is on Match.com

Good morales = Dan Quayle is on Match.com

“Dog is one of my passions” = Dyslexic Catholic

“We don’t have to share all the same hobbies” = just one. . .

“I am looking to meet someone and not be sanding emails for too long” = Construction worker who brings work home with him

“I have a business dealing with women’s clothe it’s a very high end workout” = “Just like I leave the ‘s’ of clothes, I’d like to leave the clothes off you and get in a good workout”

“You should have the wisdom to go with the flow when appropriate” = “Just tell me I’m right, always”

“The greatest intimacy is best-achieved with some space” = Well-endowed

“You value sharing the tiny adventures of daily life with me” = not so well-endowed