Dating Site Dictionary: Night 9
“I come equipped with candlelight and pleasant surprises” = “Surprise! I can’t afford electricity!”
“I’m a perfectionist who knows he isn’t perfect and doesn’t expect it from others” = Has no idea what it means to be a “perfectionist”
“Don’t play cheating games, been there done that! Not looking for a commitment right away of course” = Tired of playing games, but still wants to sleep around, OK??
“I’ve never been arrested, which makes me proud and a little sad sometimes” = Criminal, looking for some recognition
“I’m not just for breeding and nor should you be!” = Expelled from Catholic school
“I wish Netflix existed ten years ago; a very big movie fan” = Very big movie fans know that Netflix did exist ten years ago
“And, my dirty little secret is singing Country Music.” = “My petite wife is singing Country Music in the shower”
“She should recognize there is more to life than money and work” = “I have neither”
“Success is important, but I would work less to spend time with those I love than more” =Aspiring stay-at-home dad. Plan on hiring a tutor for English.
“I’m looking for someone who understands that working late sometimes can be for the good of both of us” = “Affairs are good for everyone”
“Live as if you’ll die today, Dream as if you’ll live forever” = “Let’s have sex now, while I dream about Kate Beckinsale”
“My friends describe me as the Leonardo Ninja Turtle of the group” = hangs out with 5-year olds
“Love a lazy morning with my harem of pillows” = “My harem needs a refill”
“Happily was able to Flip Off The Man” = Happily unemployed
Dating Site Dictionary: Night 8
“I really love a big-hearted woman” = “No, really, I’m looking at your big heart!”
“It makes me happy to be with people who have good conflict resolution skills” = Likes to argue
“I am a self-made success from high school. I have wanted to graduate from college my entire childhood, but somehow found a way not to need a college degree.” = Began dealing drugs in high school
“Also, don’t message me if you can’t spell or read.” = “I’m serious! If you can’t read this, don’t message me.”
“I am a committed Christian and the Bible is the “bottom line” in my life. I am not religious, but I am committed.” = Bored inmate
“Can I get a holla?” = Profile created to “Catch A Predator”
“Can’t live without my iPod and flip flops” = you will never be as important to him as a pair of rubber shoes, but if you want to kill him, simply steal his iPod
“I like riding my handcycle along the beach” = “I may go blind”
“Why don’t I have any kids? (popular question) … I haven’t tried to make any!” = Virgin
“I am an avid chess player — when work, looking for new work, managing rental properties, and finishing my masters doesn’t get in the way” = Plays a lot of chess
“I’m confused by condiments.” = So confused – keeps getting women pregnant
Dating Site Dictionary: Night 7
“I’ll surprise you when you least expect it” = Has a good grasp on the definition of “surprise”
“We share an ease of communication and always engage in lively, fun conversations covering a wide range of topics.” = Favorite movie: A Beautiful Mind.
“Guitars in cases don’t get played” = Doesn’t believe in using condoms
“I’m here hoping to meet someone that recognizes the importance of good commutation” = Example from Merriam-Webster Dictionary: He appealed for a commutation of his death sentence to life imprisonment
Lists “how I met your mother” among “A Few Of My Favorite Things” = your father is on Match.com
Good morales = Dan Quayle is on Match.com
“Dog is one of my passions” = Dyslexic Catholic
“We don’t have to share all the same hobbies” = just one. . .
“I am looking to meet someone and not be sanding emails for too long” = Construction worker who brings work home with him
“I have a business dealing with women’s clothe it’s a very high end workout” = “Just like I leave the ‘s’ of clothes, I’d like to leave the clothes off you and get in a good workout”
“You should have the wisdom to go with the flow when appropriate” = “Just tell me I’m right, always”
“The greatest intimacy is best-achieved with some space” = Well-endowed
“You value sharing the tiny adventures of daily life with me” = not so well-endowed
Dating Site Dictionary: Night 6
This morning I received the following email from JDate: “Make Him Fall For You: The ‘secret psychology’ of what makes a man fall in love and keeps him hooked for the long term.” And surprisingly, not one of their tips suggests creating a website like this. So, I may be single a while. . . deconstructing online dating profiles. . . one by one:
Not necessarily looking, but don’t want blinders on” = Married, not blind
“Occasionally I slow down to do a little gardening” = Grows weed
“I don’t want to sit around in restaurants talking to ‘victims’ and being earnest” = Self-esteem honors student who was kicked out of bartending school
“I went into a career nose-dive when I swapped my dream for someone else’s. No regrets” = Passive-aggressive underachiever
“I am not afraid to fail” = Fearless underachiever
” *If you are a single mother, I am really not interested. I think that is great you have kids. I would just prefer to date someone who does not” = “Can I get your daughter’s number?”
“I’m loyal to a fault and find the best in people” = Paid for the “ProfilePro” upgrade
“I went to my last marriage counseling session dressed as Scoobie Doo” = Should have paid for ProfilePro upgrade
“I went to the Ihateanimals website and it was a porn site” = Should have paid for ProfilePro upgrade
“I’m a very inquisitive person” = What would you most know like to know about me?
“I am tired of being asked if I have coke” = If I had coke, I wouldn’t be tired
“I’m a business manager who started in video games” = SIMS high scorer
“My friends all hate me for my irrepressibly happy mood right after I wake up” = Selfish lover, who has slept with all his friends
“Yea, it sounds nerdy but I can start a fire!” = Self-conscious arsonist
“And I actually AM 37″ = Identifies with Pinocchio
“Of course, when you think about it, the only reason people really have hobbies is so they won’t drink” = Hobbies are for losers
“First off, I’m hilarious” = See “Cool“
“I roll with ups and downs of life and it takes a lot to get me upset.” = Drug of choice: Ecstasy
“Who am I?” = Be prepared to find out because that’s who we’ll talk about
“I read enough at work” = “Children’s menu please. . . “
“I’d like to think I’m the total package” = Creative thinker
“Six-pack abs are included” = Favorite channel: HSN
“I’d like to find a woman who has earned self-confidence and can give me the benefit of the doubt” = “I have not earned my self-confidence”
“I was raised by a big C-Catholic mother.” = You’ll meet his mother when you visit him in Hell
“I tend to travel for work occasionally” = Tending to do something occasionally is real talent
“I find I meld best with people who, as I do, like to try new things and don’t get bored doing whatever/whenever” = Sex addict with A.D.D.
Dating Site Dictionary: Night 5
This morning I received the following email: “Meet Attractive Seniors! Dating works better when Senior people meet.“ Let’s hope we get this figured out before it comes to that!!
“I enjoy stimulating conversations” = Prefers phone sex
“I play in a coed group twice a week” = Swinger
“I have faults and will readily admit them” = Also has a profile on this social network: CheckMate
“When I was a kid, I loved soccer so much that it wasn’t rare that I went to sleep hugging my ball” = Likes to hold balls in sleep
“If I was to summarize myself into a few paragraphs, I guess I would say that I’m most passionate about three things: Art, Music, and Traveling.” = A few paragraphs. . . a sentence. . . What difference does a couple of inches make?
“I’m a little rough around the edges. Whether that’s a plus or a minus depends on you.” = “Hopefully you didn’t pass first grade math because if you know the difference between a plus and a minus, I’m fucked.”
Picture of a yacht in profile + describes himself as: “I’m a down to earth kind of guy” = “My ex got the Gulfstream”
“Remember the theme song, ‘Love & Marriage’?” =Aspires to be Al Bundy
“I classify myself as the most romantic man on Earth” = “We’re playing that “If I Were The Last Man on Earth game, right??”
“Life is a mess. It’s chaotic, but beautiful. I have found that things will work out — just not as one plans”= Still has a profile on MySpace
“Yes, the “action photo” is from a chess tournament” = Asleep by 8:30pm
“The pencil drawings posted I did draw” = Sex have let’s now
“Have sung karaoke in 20 states and two foreign countries.” = Milli Vanilli is on JDate
“I love public displays of love” = George Michael is on JDate
“I have also lived in Massachusetts, South Carolina, Utah, Alaska, Texas, California, and Nebraska. I have visited Virginia, Arizona, Korea, and the Caribbean for months at a time. Have also traveled to Canada, Mexico, Denmark, Russia and Turkey. I may relocate again.” = Fugitive
“If you think making a fort out of sheets in the living room is awesome, then you’re pretty awesome” = “You hold the steeple”
“I am just trying to write enough letters to satisfy this damn form” = I’ll say anything to get you to have sex with me
“I enjoy staying fit and watching football on Sundays after Mass” = “I like to get all that stand sit stand kneel stand sit stand shit out of the way so I can sit on my ass and watch football all day”
Dating Site Dictionary: Night 4
Before you “wink”, “click”, or “favorite” – make sure you know what those online dating profiles are really trying to tell you:
“There’s a squirrel who lives in the trees in my backyard who sounds a lot like a chicken.” = The voices in my head sound a lot like God
“I am in the studio most nights, but love to sneak away” = Married
Lists “The hole in the wall restaurant with its undercover delicacies” among “Favorite Hot Spots” = Doesn’t mind cockroaches and rodents
“People that I like to be friends with are people who are their own friends ” = Seeking schizophrenics
“At least I have my damn shirt and pants on!!” = Bitter nudist or overworked porn star
“No worries, there are plenty of stain removers on the market.” = Overworked porn star
“There’s always a wet canvas in my house.” = Overworked porn star
“Don’t be surprised if I bust out a magic trick that’s makes you wonder how in the hell that just happened!!” = I’ll tell you I love you and then rob you while you sleep
“Don’t let the fact that I work with numbers by day lure you into thinking I am completely analytical and dull.” = I’ve been thinking about this for 276 minutes and the odds of you not falling asleep when I’m talking are not in my favor. In fact, given the ratio of. . . zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
“Nothing could be further from the truth.” = Pathological liar
“After all, none of us makes it out alive!” = Suicide bomber
Want Kids: Definitely = Wants Sex: Definitely
“I seek mental stimulation (as well as physical).” = Spends all day thinking about S&M
“To enjoy this ride, you must have a intellectual age of at least 25. Your body doesn’t need to be that old, of course!” = Looking for an 18 year-old who reads Vanity Fair
“I’m hardly done sampling!” = Has frequent one-night-stands
“I always seem to want what I can’t have” = Will cheat on you often
“I’m always walking around with a sketchbook in my backpack” = Lives on the Venice boardwalk
“There are rules to be followed when you play with me.” = Rule #1: bondage & discipline required nightly
“I’m looking for a shared experience that is exempt from expectations” = Looking for a one-night stand
“I like dive bars and all the flavor that comes with them.” = Miller Beer and onion rings for dinner
“I’m still in training” = Excuse for being an asshole
“I am not looking for money or just beauty” = Looking for money AND beauty
Income: I’ll Tell You Later= Unemployed
“I’m a simple man with simple needs” = Let’s skip dating and have sex
“I’m too complex to explain… “ = So, let’s just have sex
“If you think you’re going to figure me out, think again” = Definitely think again!
“I consider myself an aspiring artist” = Please select a restaurant located near a bus stop, and be prepared to pay for dinner
“To know me is to meet me” = not familiar with the expression “putting the cart before the horse”
“In great shape and very loving” = “Mirror, mirror on the ceiling. . . who do you find most appealing?”
“Might have transcended formal education in early grade school” = Elementary school drop-out
“I like thunderstorms more than car horns” = I do not live in LA
“I believe a relationship is about carrying each other when you are too weak to carry your own physical and mental weight.” = Looking for my mother
“I have not dated many women in my life. I can count on one hand those women.” = I use that hand often
Dating Site Dictionary: Night 3
More from the world wide web of dating. . . What those online dating profiles are really trying to tell you. If you can’t laugh, you’ll cry:
“My FICO score may not be high enough to date you” = You’re paying for dinner
“Where I’m from, prisoners eat better fare than Vietnamese Noodle soup.” = I’m in prison
“Like to party, but not all night long, because there is a next day – well, sometimes maybe not, but this should not happen often.” = “I’m high”
“I’m not perfect and don’t expect you to be” = I’m not perfect
“I go back to visit the folks a few times a year but can’t wait to get back to So Cal.” = “I live with my mom and dad. Can I move in with you?”
Well traveled = Wife lives in New York. Girlfriend lives in London. You live in LA, right?
“Who’s got shotgun!?” = I don’t have a car
“Rudeness, poor manners, and erratic behavior are competitive events in SoCal.” = “I’m in first place!”
“She should possess the ability to see that being happy is more important than being right.” = “Always concede that I am right or I will make your life miserable”
“In all honesty Online dating has been pretty disappointing.” = “When do we get to F*@k???”
“Come from a big family with huge family loyalities” = “I’ve got a trust fund. Ch-ching!”
“I try to live in the moment but always look forward to tomorrow.” = I like to have sex on the first date and look forward to getting rid of you in the morning
“Everyone’s a little crazy and that’s a good thing.” = I’m REALLY crazy
“I’ll eat popcorn every day.” = Works at AMC
“Don’t be surprised if I never ask about your job or care if you have one.” = Don’t be surprised if I never ask nor care about you at all
“I don’t use recreational drugs, drive a Hybrid, or attend Yoga class.” = I’m addicted to pain pills and drive a Hummer, which I paid for by harvesting and selling Brazillian Cherry wood from the rainforest.
“I’m on the smarter side of the dial. It’s better not to know everything.” = I don’t even know what it means to be smart
“I will never work for the man, as I am self employed.” = Drug dealer
“I work in the movie industry doing special effects as well as weird random contract jobs” = Tour guide at Universal Studios Hollywood
