Dating Site Dictionary

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Posts Tagged ‘Acting

Dating Site Dictionary: Night 15

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Tip of Today (there won’t be one every day): there are a lot of men using pictures of Pierce Brosnan among their online dating profile pictures.

I assure you, none of these was written by Pierce Brosnan:

“Yadda yadda yadda wocka wocka wocka” = “‘I love you”

“The only current missing piece is a vacant spot on my arm” = “As soon as I can get this ring off my finger and this wife off my arm, I’ll call you.”

“I have yet to be on America’s Most Wanted” = “. . . so, when I yell ‘DRIVE!’ you get us the f@ck out of here!”

“If I were on Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood, Henrietta would take one look at me and say, ‘Meow, meow if I weren’t a hand puppet, I’d hit it, meow.’” = Crafting the perfect dating profile can sometimes trigger an acid flashback

“Helped invent GPS guided bombing” = “Don’t break up with me, or else. . . “

“I like to make up stupid lyrics to well known songs” = Weird Al is on JDate

“My friends all say that I never give girls a chance and that I am too picky. I don’t feel that there is such a thing as too picky” = “You don’t stand a chance”

“Will try anything once” = “Bring a friend. I swear it’s the first time I’m doing this”

“Raised Catholic, but have learned to distrust organized religion.” = Raised Catholic

“I can be lazy, but I really don’t want to be lazy” = Really fucking lazy

“I want to be an actor/writer. I have never done any drugs.” = The difference between “wanting” and becoming is drugs

“I’m a sometimes college professor” = Higher standards in education desperately needed

“The problem with me is that I’m not your typical LA Duche” = “I’m the one that’s missing the O”

“im down to earth, iv got a sence of humor, im funn to be around, i love going out n partying when i can, i have my own landscape design bussnies that keeps me busy” = “im assking u owt”

Dating Site Dictionary: Night 14

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“Last thing I read was a script. It wasn’t very good. That happens a lot” = M. Night Shyamalan is on Match.com

“I’m not a shopper, I’m a guy. I go buy things” = “I’m not a cheater, I’m a guy.  I . . . “

“Occupation: I am a living, breathing stereotype. Except for the flakiness, drug addicted, stench of loser-dom part” = Actor

“I was going to stick my head in the oven, but decided that this would be a sub-optimal solution” = “Suicide. . .? Online dating. . . ? Suicide. . . ? Online dating. . . ? Suicide. . . ?”

Interests: garage sailing = Not going very far

“(My apologies, but for search purposes on Match – My age is 43 not 40)” = “Looking for an (18 – 3) year-old”

“I clean before my maid shows up” = “Here’s your earring. . .  Please leave before my wife shows up!”

“I don’t let it take over my life but I allow myself my threes, particularly on a stressful day” = Favorite Movie: What About Bob?

“I am equally motivated by intellect and creativity, leading me to become a medical doctor, investor, and singer/songwriter” = “Seeking someone who will believe I’m a single doctor, with loads of money, who plays guitar and sings”

“I have lots of help at home, so I am both physically and emotionally available” = Lives with mom

“I’ve been using Pandora a lot lately. It tells me what music I like” = “Facebook tells me who my friends are. Twitter tells me who to follow. . . What good is technology if it can’t think for you?!”

“If you are no so smart and not so good looking… then I’M GAY!!” = No so smart

Dating Site Dictionary: Night 13

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“I have a high energy level at the moment and I tend to only read for pleasure before going to sleep” = “The articles in Playboy help me sleep”

“First to die when the alien invasion, drug cartel, and/or ghosts/ghost drug cartels arrive” = “My therapist is away and my prescription ran out”

“My undies are always clean thanks to TIDE (fabreze sport version)” = *Sponsored dating profile

“I like contact, giving a massage is one of my favorite thing to do” = Also has an ad in the back of the LA Weekly

“I love kids – well behaved ones…lol I am a Christian” = Christians only love well-behaved kids, haha

“I’m as honest as you can expect a man to be in a world where it’s going out of style” = “Lying is cool”

“I follow Jesus. I am not, however, religious” = Follows Jesus on Twitter

“Please don’t let my appearance intimidate you” = His picture also appears here

“Even things my parrot says are insightful” = Dumber than a parrot

“My personality is so magnetic I can’t carry credit cards” = “My magnetic personality doesn’t pay for dinner”

“I am an actor and do computer consulting on the side” = Dyslexic computer consultant who waits tables on the side

“Certain things I say are gonna make your head twist around like an animal when it hears a strange noise” = This is called a disclaimer

“You can never have enough friends, that have jobs, are sane, caring and like Vegas….” = “Looking for stable women to support my gambling addiction”

“I hang out by the monkey bars” = Registered sex offender

“The way you know a really good Thai dish is prepared well is if it’s sweet, spicy, sour, and salty. And that’s how I like my women. Lots of different textures and flavors make a woman a lot more interesting” = Cannibalistic tendencies

“I collect bottles and cans” = As revealed on Monday, Beck is on OkCupid

“I am actually “kind of” smart” = “Smart enough to know I’m not ‘that’ smart”

“I respond well to positive reinforcement” = Fortune cookie say: Needs encouragement. . .  in bed.

“Just looking for someone too share some time with who enjoys the things I do going out too dinners watch t.v. go too movies or whatever I am a very compassionate person who really loves too please a woman in all ways” = This sentence is “too” long

“Sometimes I’ll be out with my friends and ditch them at 11:30pm just so i can get to Poncho Villa for a burrito before it closes…priorities!!!!!!! = Don’t be surprised if he leaves you for a burrito

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