Posts Tagged ‘Humor’
Dating Site Dictionary: Night 15
Tip of Today (there won’t be one every day): there are a lot of men using pictures of Pierce Brosnan among their online dating profile pictures.
- Women – keep this window open to cross-reference his pictures with pictures of Pierce Brosnan.
- Men – time to find some photos that don’t appear in Google image search results
I assure you, none of these was written by Pierce Brosnan:
“Yadda yadda yadda wocka wocka wocka” = “‘I love you”
“The only current missing piece is a vacant spot on my arm” = “As soon as I can get this ring off my finger and this wife off my arm, I’ll call you.”
“I have yet to be on America’s Most Wanted” = “. . . so, when I yell ‘DRIVE!’ you get us the f@ck out of here!”
“If I were on Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood, Henrietta would take one look at me and say, ‘Meow, meow if I weren’t a hand puppet, I’d hit it, meow.’” = Crafting the perfect dating profile can sometimes trigger an acid flashback
“Helped invent GPS guided bombing” = “Don’t break up with me, or else. . . “
“I like to make up stupid lyrics to well known songs” = Weird Al is on JDate
“My friends all say that I never give girls a chance and that I am too picky. I don’t feel that there is such a thing as too picky” = “You don’t stand a chance”
“Will try anything once” = “Bring a friend. I swear it’s the first time I’m doing this”
“Raised Catholic, but have learned to distrust organized religion.” = Raised Catholic
“I can be lazy, but I really don’t want to be lazy” = Really fucking lazy
“I want to be an actor/writer. I have never done any drugs.” = The difference between “wanting” and becoming is drugs
“I’m a sometimes college professor” = Higher standards in education desperately needed
“The problem with me is that I’m not your typical LA Duche” = “I’m the one that’s missing the O”
“im down to earth, iv got a sence of humor, im funn to be around, i love going out n partying when i can, i have my own landscape design bussnies that keeps me busy” = “im assking u owt”
Dating Site Dictionary: Night 14
“Last thing I read was a script. It wasn’t very good. That happens a lot” = M. Night Shyamalan is on Match.com
“I’m not a shopper, I’m a guy. I go buy things” = “I’m not a cheater, I’m a guy. I . . . “
“Occupation: I am a living, breathing stereotype. Except for the flakiness, drug addicted, stench of loser-dom part” = Actor
“I was going to stick my head in the oven, but decided that this would be a sub-optimal solution” = “Suicide. . .? Online dating. . . ? Suicide. . . ? Online dating. . . ? Suicide. . . ?”
Interests: garage sailing = Not going very far
“(My apologies, but for search purposes on Match – My age is 43 not 40)” = “Looking for an (18 – 3) year-old”
“I clean before my maid shows up” = “Here’s your earring. . . Please leave before my wife shows up!”
“I don’t let it take over my life but I allow myself my threes, particularly on a stressful day” = Favorite Movie: What About Bob?
“I am equally motivated by intellect and creativity, leading me to become a medical doctor, investor, and singer/songwriter” = “Seeking someone who will believe I’m a single doctor, with loads of money, who plays guitar and sings”
“I have lots of help at home, so I am both physically and emotionally available” = Lives with mom
“I’ve been using Pandora a lot lately. It tells me what music I like” = “Facebook tells me who my friends are. Twitter tells me who to follow. . . What good is technology if it can’t think for you?!”
“If you are no so smart and not so good looking… then I’M GAY!!” = No so smart
Dating Site Dictionary: Night 13
“I have a high energy level at the moment and I tend to only read for pleasure before going to sleep” = “The articles in Playboy help me sleep”
“First to die when the alien invasion, drug cartel, and/or ghosts/ghost drug cartels arrive” = “My therapist is away and my prescription ran out”
“My undies are always clean thanks to TIDE (fabreze sport version)” = *Sponsored dating profile
“I like contact, giving a massage is one of my favorite thing to do” = Also has an ad in the back of the LA Weekly
“I love kids – well behaved ones…lol I am a Christian” = Christians only love well-behaved kids, haha
“I’m as honest as you can expect a man to be in a world where it’s going out of style” = “Lying is cool”
“I follow Jesus. I am not, however, religious” = Follows Jesus on Twitter
“Please don’t let my appearance intimidate you” = His picture also appears here
“Even things my parrot says are insightful” = Dumber than a parrot
“My personality is so magnetic I can’t carry credit cards” = “My magnetic personality doesn’t pay for dinner”
“I am an actor and do computer consulting on the side” = Dyslexic computer consultant who waits tables on the side
“Certain things I say are gonna make your head twist around like an animal when it hears a strange noise” = This is called a disclaimer
“You can never have enough friends, that have jobs, are sane, caring and like Vegas….” = “Looking for stable women to support my gambling addiction”
“I hang out by the monkey bars” = Registered sex offender
“The way you know a really good Thai dish is prepared well is if it’s sweet, spicy, sour, and salty. And that’s how I like my women. Lots of different textures and flavors make a woman a lot more interesting” = Cannibalistic tendencies
“I collect bottles and cans” = As revealed on Monday, Beck is on OkCupid
“I am actually “kind of” smart” = “Smart enough to know I’m not ‘that’ smart”
“I respond well to positive reinforcement” = Fortune cookie say: Needs encouragement. . . in bed.
“Just looking for someone too share some time with who enjoys the things I do going out too dinners watch t.v. go too movies or whatever I am a very compassionate person who really loves too please a woman in all ways” = This sentence is “too” long
“Sometimes I’ll be out with my friends and ditch them at 11:30pm just so i can get to Poncho Villa for a burrito before it closes…priorities!!!!!!! = Don’t be surprised if he leaves you for a burrito
Dating Site Dictionary: Night 12
“I would say that I don’t lie, which in itself would be a lie but I sincerely work hard at being honorable” = Sincere, honorable, compulsive liar
“I’ll be succinct” + 6 paragraph profile = Short story long
“Even when we can’t make love anymore and all we could do is play bingo” = Still looking for that G
“I want someone who “Compliments” me” = We’ll complement each other well, as long as you tell me I’m “Amazing”
“Did I mention that I was sexy?…(lol)” = No, but you’re forgetful and funny
“I’m looking for a partner in crime. Someone I can count on to be there when I fall. To help me get up, brush me off and push me to do it again” = Be prepared to bail me out of jail. . . multiple times.
“I work in the music biz, support behind the scenes” = drug runner
“I still love my wife” = Married But Playing
“I like shopping for groceries at the mall” = Corn dogs and flat soda for lunch
“I came here to pick my woman” = “I like shopping for women on JDate”
“I have been amused, charmed, and had a few laughs at some of the profiles here” = Reads DatingSiteDictionary.com
“The attraction barometer is what it’s all about” = The Attraction Barometer – soon to be a top-seller at SkyMall
“I don’t have the buttocks exposing work guy pants however” = Plumber envy
“I forgot more than most men know” = This can’t be a good thing
“When my mother died, I quit working to take care of her” = Takes the saying “better late than never” too literally
“I work for an advertizing agency” = “This is one of my best campaigns: 15 Best Things About Our Pubic Schools“
Dating Site Dictionary: Night 11
“My best quality is my personality” = “Hopefully you find me witty and charming because I’m terrible in bed”
“All I need is two turn tables and a microphone” = Beck is on OkCupid
“I recently just started skateboarding again and realize despite my age I still got skills” = That’s not a skateboard, it’s a walker.
“I thankfully have Blue Cross, God forbid I get hurt and need to use it” = Neurotic sado-masichist
“I’m very laid back, lots of patients” = “You lie back while I play doctor”
“I have no specific skills, but, I can do a few bad yo-yo tricks, and I can touch my nose with my tongue. I know 1 magic trick” = Confused JDate with the application for Ringling Bros.
“I consider myself to be a fairly honest and truthful person” = “I said ‘fairly’ which gets me off the hook for everything moving forward”
“I’m a fairly straight guy” = “I said ‘fairly’ which gets me off the hook for everything moving forward”
“That’s the best way to some myself up” = Failed math and English
“California is God’s Own Country” = Failed geography
“Plus I’m an awesome speller” = Doesn’t want to end up on datingsitedictionary.com
37-year-old man, seeking women 18-35 = 37-year- old man, seeking 18 year-olds
“My type of woman will be my Bonnie to my Clyde” = Possessive
“I use my multiple identities to my advantage, especially when getting preferential seating at restaurants” = “I already have a credit card with your name on it, which I will use to pay for our date”
“We are equally comfortable mingling with different sets of friends and joining up at the end of an evening” = “Throw your keys in the bowl and I’ll see you later!”
“Dont know where to start, but here it goes: Im single and looking” = . . . for some apostrophes
“I have found it difficult to know grown up women. This may be the right place to do so” = Got kicked off of MySpace for posing as a 16-year-old
“Hoping to meet Ms. Right” = Not looking for Mrs. Right
“What’s in it for you??? If you are my match I will challenge and surprise you on a regular basis” = Not in sales
“I just don’t think I have to pound my chest to get my point across” = Rebellious chimp
Last Read: “The Bible… I went to church this Sunday” = “Coveted my neighbor’s wife Saturday night”
“I live a clean life and drink very seldom. My best friends are usually a little wilder than me” = 40-year-old virgin, signed up for online dating in answer to a dare from “wild” friends
Dating Site Dictionary: Night 10
“I want someone that thinks I am the greatest thing on Earth” = Beware of Oedipus complex
Sports & Exercise: “Other types of exercise” + Exercise Habits: “1-2x/week” = Part-time lover
“What little free time I do have I spend sitting and staring forward, watching horror films, drinking, crying, and eating cheese” = Too busy to date. . . thankfully!
“I prefer to live my life in a fantasy world” = “Meet me in Second Life“
Answer to question #11: “Wow, there sure are a lot of questions on this thing!” = “I have the attention span for 2 dates”
“I like to browse psych books and learn about my mind. I’m kind of scattered” = Academic schizophrenic
Last read: “How to be an Adult in Relationships. I’m still reading it” = “You started it!!”
“I have played with numerous bands playing a wide variety of styles, and that has brought me all kinds of opportunities and allowed me to meet a ton of great people” = “Groupies never get old”
“I love learning” = “I’ll learn from you and marry the next woman”
“Sometimes I feel like a ping-pong ball, if you put me in front of a room I’ll make people laugh!” = “Did you hear the one about the ping pong ball that sometimes stands in front of a room and makes people laugh?”
“Dancing will be great although I don’t want to go with some ugly doll” = Pinocchio standing up to Geppetto before Prom
“I like to chirp like a canary” = Safe sex takes on new meaning
“I am outgoing and very spontaneou” = Has difficulty completing things
Dating Site Dictionary: Night 9
“I come equipped with candlelight and pleasant surprises” = “Surprise! I can’t afford electricity!”
“I’m a perfectionist who knows he isn’t perfect and doesn’t expect it from others” = Has no idea what it means to be a “perfectionist”
“Don’t play cheating games, been there done that! Not looking for a commitment right away of course” = Tired of playing games, but still wants to sleep around, OK??
“I’ve never been arrested, which makes me proud and a little sad sometimes” = Criminal, looking for some recognition
“I’m not just for breeding and nor should you be!” = Expelled from Catholic school
“I wish Netflix existed ten years ago; a very big movie fan” = Very big movie fans know that Netflix did exist ten years ago
“And, my dirty little secret is singing Country Music.” = “My petite wife is singing Country Music in the shower”
“She should recognize there is more to life than money and work” = “I have neither”
“Success is important, but I would work less to spend time with those I love than more” =Aspiring stay-at-home dad. Plan on hiring a tutor for English.
“I’m looking for someone who understands that working late sometimes can be for the good of both of us” = “Affairs are good for everyone”
“Live as if you’ll die today, Dream as if you’ll live forever” = “Let’s have sex now, while I dream about Kate Beckinsale”
“My friends describe me as the Leonardo Ninja Turtle of the group” = hangs out with 5-year olds
“Love a lazy morning with my harem of pillows” = “My harem needs a refill”
“Happily was able to Flip Off The Man” = Happily unemployed
Dating Site Dictionary: Night 8
“I really love a big-hearted woman” = “No, really, I’m looking at your big heart!”
“It makes me happy to be with people who have good conflict resolution skills” = Likes to argue
“I am a self-made success from high school. I have wanted to graduate from college my entire childhood, but somehow found a way not to need a college degree.” = Began dealing drugs in high school
“Also, don’t message me if you can’t spell or read.” = “I’m serious! If you can’t read this, don’t message me.”
“I am a committed Christian and the Bible is the “bottom line” in my life. I am not religious, but I am committed.” = Bored inmate
“Can I get a holla?” = Profile created to “Catch A Predator”
“Can’t live without my iPod and flip flops” = you will never be as important to him as a pair of rubber shoes, but if you want to kill him, simply steal his iPod
“I like riding my handcycle along the beach” = “I may go blind”
“Why don’t I have any kids? (popular question) … I haven’t tried to make any!” = Virgin
“I am an avid chess player — when work, looking for new work, managing rental properties, and finishing my masters doesn’t get in the way” = Plays a lot of chess
“I’m confused by condiments.” = So confused – keeps getting women pregnant
Dating Site Dictionary: Night 7
“I’ll surprise you when you least expect it” = Has a good grasp on the definition of “surprise”
“We share an ease of communication and always engage in lively, fun conversations covering a wide range of topics.” = Favorite movie: A Beautiful Mind.
“Guitars in cases don’t get played” = Doesn’t believe in using condoms
“I’m here hoping to meet someone that recognizes the importance of good commutation” = Example from Merriam-Webster Dictionary: He appealed for a commutation of his death sentence to life imprisonment
Lists “how I met your mother” among “A Few Of My Favorite Things” = your father is on Match.com
Good morales = Dan Quayle is on Match.com
“Dog is one of my passions” = Dyslexic Catholic
“We don’t have to share all the same hobbies” = just one. . .
“I am looking to meet someone and not be sanding emails for too long” = Construction worker who brings work home with him
“I have a business dealing with women’s clothe it’s a very high end workout” = “Just like I leave the ‘s’ of clothes, I’d like to leave the clothes off you and get in a good workout”
“You should have the wisdom to go with the flow when appropriate” = “Just tell me I’m right, always”
“The greatest intimacy is best-achieved with some space” = Well-endowed
“You value sharing the tiny adventures of daily life with me” = not so well-endowed
