Posts Tagged ‘Married’
Dating Site Dictionary: Night 15
Tip of Today (there won’t be one every day): there are a lot of men using pictures of Pierce Brosnan among their online dating profile pictures.
- Women – keep this window open to cross-reference his pictures with pictures of Pierce Brosnan.
- Men – time to find some photos that don’t appear in Google image search results
I assure you, none of these was written by Pierce Brosnan:
“Yadda yadda yadda wocka wocka wocka” = “‘I love you”
“The only current missing piece is a vacant spot on my arm” = “As soon as I can get this ring off my finger and this wife off my arm, I’ll call you.”
“I have yet to be on America’s Most Wanted” = “. . . so, when I yell ‘DRIVE!’ you get us the f@ck out of here!”
“If I were on Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood, Henrietta would take one look at me and say, ‘Meow, meow if I weren’t a hand puppet, I’d hit it, meow.’” = Crafting the perfect dating profile can sometimes trigger an acid flashback
“Helped invent GPS guided bombing” = “Don’t break up with me, or else. . . “
“I like to make up stupid lyrics to well known songs” = Weird Al is on JDate
“My friends all say that I never give girls a chance and that I am too picky. I don’t feel that there is such a thing as too picky” = “You don’t stand a chance”
“Will try anything once” = “Bring a friend. I swear it’s the first time I’m doing this”
“Raised Catholic, but have learned to distrust organized religion.” = Raised Catholic
“I can be lazy, but I really don’t want to be lazy” = Really fucking lazy
“I want to be an actor/writer. I have never done any drugs.” = The difference between “wanting” and becoming is drugs
“I’m a sometimes college professor” = Higher standards in education desperately needed
“The problem with me is that I’m not your typical LA Duche” = “I’m the one that’s missing the O”
“im down to earth, iv got a sence of humor, im funn to be around, i love going out n partying when i can, i have my own landscape design bussnies that keeps me busy” = “im assking u owt”
Dating Site Dictionary: Night 14
“Last thing I read was a script. It wasn’t very good. That happens a lot” = M. Night Shyamalan is on Match.com
“I’m not a shopper, I’m a guy. I go buy things” = “I’m not a cheater, I’m a guy. I . . . “
“Occupation: I am a living, breathing stereotype. Except for the flakiness, drug addicted, stench of loser-dom part” = Actor
“I was going to stick my head in the oven, but decided that this would be a sub-optimal solution” = “Suicide. . .? Online dating. . . ? Suicide. . . ? Online dating. . . ? Suicide. . . ?”
Interests: garage sailing = Not going very far
“(My apologies, but for search purposes on Match – My age is 43 not 40)” = “Looking for an (18 – 3) year-old”
“I clean before my maid shows up” = “Here’s your earring. . . Please leave before my wife shows up!”
“I don’t let it take over my life but I allow myself my threes, particularly on a stressful day” = Favorite Movie: What About Bob?
“I am equally motivated by intellect and creativity, leading me to become a medical doctor, investor, and singer/songwriter” = “Seeking someone who will believe I’m a single doctor, with loads of money, who plays guitar and sings”
“I have lots of help at home, so I am both physically and emotionally available” = Lives with mom
“I’ve been using Pandora a lot lately. It tells me what music I like” = “Facebook tells me who my friends are. Twitter tells me who to follow. . . What good is technology if it can’t think for you?!”
“If you are no so smart and not so good looking… then I’M GAY!!” = No so smart
Dating Site Dictionary: Night 12
“I would say that I don’t lie, which in itself would be a lie but I sincerely work hard at being honorable” = Sincere, honorable, compulsive liar
“I’ll be succinct” + 6 paragraph profile = Short story long
“Even when we can’t make love anymore and all we could do is play bingo” = Still looking for that G
“I want someone who “Compliments” me” = We’ll complement each other well, as long as you tell me I’m “Amazing”
“Did I mention that I was sexy?…(lol)” = No, but you’re forgetful and funny
“I’m looking for a partner in crime. Someone I can count on to be there when I fall. To help me get up, brush me off and push me to do it again” = Be prepared to bail me out of jail. . . multiple times.
“I work in the music biz, support behind the scenes” = drug runner
“I still love my wife” = Married But Playing
“I like shopping for groceries at the mall” = Corn dogs and flat soda for lunch
“I came here to pick my woman” = “I like shopping for women on JDate”
“I have been amused, charmed, and had a few laughs at some of the profiles here” = Reads DatingSiteDictionary.com
“The attraction barometer is what it’s all about” = The Attraction Barometer – soon to be a top-seller at SkyMall
“I don’t have the buttocks exposing work guy pants however” = Plumber envy
“I forgot more than most men know” = This can’t be a good thing
“When my mother died, I quit working to take care of her” = Takes the saying “better late than never” too literally
“I work for an advertizing agency” = “This is one of my best campaigns: 15 Best Things About Our Pubic Schools“
Dating Site Dictionary: Night 9
“I come equipped with candlelight and pleasant surprises” = “Surprise! I can’t afford electricity!”
“I’m a perfectionist who knows he isn’t perfect and doesn’t expect it from others” = Has no idea what it means to be a “perfectionist”
“Don’t play cheating games, been there done that! Not looking for a commitment right away of course” = Tired of playing games, but still wants to sleep around, OK??
“I’ve never been arrested, which makes me proud and a little sad sometimes” = Criminal, looking for some recognition
“I’m not just for breeding and nor should you be!” = Expelled from Catholic school
“I wish Netflix existed ten years ago; a very big movie fan” = Very big movie fans know that Netflix did exist ten years ago
“And, my dirty little secret is singing Country Music.” = “My petite wife is singing Country Music in the shower”
“She should recognize there is more to life than money and work” = “I have neither”
“Success is important, but I would work less to spend time with those I love than more” =Aspiring stay-at-home dad. Plan on hiring a tutor for English.
“I’m looking for someone who understands that working late sometimes can be for the good of both of us” = “Affairs are good for everyone”
“Live as if you’ll die today, Dream as if you’ll live forever” = “Let’s have sex now, while I dream about Kate Beckinsale”
“My friends describe me as the Leonardo Ninja Turtle of the group” = hangs out with 5-year olds
“Love a lazy morning with my harem of pillows” = “My harem needs a refill”
“Happily was able to Flip Off The Man” = Happily unemployed
Dating Site Dictionary: Night 7
“I’ll surprise you when you least expect it” = Has a good grasp on the definition of “surprise”
“We share an ease of communication and always engage in lively, fun conversations covering a wide range of topics.” = Favorite movie: A Beautiful Mind.
“Guitars in cases don’t get played” = Doesn’t believe in using condoms
“I’m here hoping to meet someone that recognizes the importance of good commutation” = Example from Merriam-Webster Dictionary: He appealed for a commutation of his death sentence to life imprisonment
Lists “how I met your mother” among “A Few Of My Favorite Things” = your father is on Match.com
Good morales = Dan Quayle is on Match.com
“Dog is one of my passions” = Dyslexic Catholic
“We don’t have to share all the same hobbies” = just one. . .
“I am looking to meet someone and not be sanding emails for too long” = Construction worker who brings work home with him
“I have a business dealing with women’s clothe it’s a very high end workout” = “Just like I leave the ‘s’ of clothes, I’d like to leave the clothes off you and get in a good workout”
“You should have the wisdom to go with the flow when appropriate” = “Just tell me I’m right, always”
“The greatest intimacy is best-achieved with some space” = Well-endowed
“You value sharing the tiny adventures of daily life with me” = not so well-endowed
Dating Site Dictionary: Night 6
This morning I received the following email from JDate: “Make Him Fall For You: The ‘secret psychology’ of what makes a man fall in love and keeps him hooked for the long term.” And surprisingly, not one of their tips suggests creating a website like this. So, I may be single a while. . . deconstructing online dating profiles. . . one by one:
Not necessarily looking, but don’t want blinders on” = Married, not blind
“Occasionally I slow down to do a little gardening” = Grows weed
“I don’t want to sit around in restaurants talking to ‘victims’ and being earnest” = Self-esteem honors student who was kicked out of bartending school
“I went into a career nose-dive when I swapped my dream for someone else’s. No regrets” = Passive-aggressive underachiever
“I am not afraid to fail” = Fearless underachiever
” *If you are a single mother, I am really not interested. I think that is great you have kids. I would just prefer to date someone who does not” = “Can I get your daughter’s number?”
“I’m loyal to a fault and find the best in people” = Paid for the “ProfilePro” upgrade
“I went to my last marriage counseling session dressed as Scoobie Doo” = Should have paid for ProfilePro upgrade
“I went to the Ihateanimals website and it was a porn site” = Should have paid for ProfilePro upgrade
“I’m a very inquisitive person” = What would you most know like to know about me?
“I am tired of being asked if I have coke” = If I had coke, I wouldn’t be tired
“I’m a business manager who started in video games” = SIMS high scorer
“My friends all hate me for my irrepressibly happy mood right after I wake up” = Selfish lover, who has slept with all his friends
“Yea, it sounds nerdy but I can start a fire!” = Self-conscious arsonist
“And I actually AM 37″ = Identifies with Pinocchio
“Of course, when you think about it, the only reason people really have hobbies is so they won’t drink” = Hobbies are for losers
“First off, I’m hilarious” = See “Cool“
“I roll with ups and downs of life and it takes a lot to get me upset.” = Drug of choice: Ecstasy
“Who am I?” = Be prepared to find out because that’s who we’ll talk about
“I read enough at work” = “Children’s menu please. . . “
“I’d like to think I’m the total package” = Creative thinker
“Six-pack abs are included” = Favorite channel: HSN
“I’d like to find a woman who has earned self-confidence and can give me the benefit of the doubt” = “I have not earned my self-confidence”
“I was raised by a big C-Catholic mother.” = You’ll meet his mother when you visit him in Hell
“I tend to travel for work occasionally” = Tending to do something occasionally is real talent
“I find I meld best with people who, as I do, like to try new things and don’t get bored doing whatever/whenever” = Sex addict with A.D.D.
Dating Site Dictionary: Night 4
Before you “wink”, “click”, or “favorite” – make sure you know what those online dating profiles are really trying to tell you:
“There’s a squirrel who lives in the trees in my backyard who sounds a lot like a chicken.” = The voices in my head sound a lot like God
“I am in the studio most nights, but love to sneak away” = Married
Lists “The hole in the wall restaurant with its undercover delicacies” among “Favorite Hot Spots” = Doesn’t mind cockroaches and rodents
“People that I like to be friends with are people who are their own friends ” = Seeking schizophrenics
“At least I have my damn shirt and pants on!!” = Bitter nudist or overworked porn star
“No worries, there are plenty of stain removers on the market.” = Overworked porn star
“There’s always a wet canvas in my house.” = Overworked porn star
“Don’t be surprised if I bust out a magic trick that’s makes you wonder how in the hell that just happened!!” = I’ll tell you I love you and then rob you while you sleep
“Don’t let the fact that I work with numbers by day lure you into thinking I am completely analytical and dull.” = I’ve been thinking about this for 276 minutes and the odds of you not falling asleep when I’m talking are not in my favor. In fact, given the ratio of. . . zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
“Nothing could be further from the truth.” = Pathological liar
“After all, none of us makes it out alive!” = Suicide bomber
Want Kids: Definitely = Wants Sex: Definitely
“I seek mental stimulation (as well as physical).” = Spends all day thinking about S&M
“To enjoy this ride, you must have a intellectual age of at least 25. Your body doesn’t need to be that old, of course!” = Looking for an 18 year-old who reads Vanity Fair
“I’m hardly done sampling!” = Has frequent one-night-stands
“I always seem to want what I can’t have” = Will cheat on you often
“I’m always walking around with a sketchbook in my backpack” = Lives on the Venice boardwalk
“There are rules to be followed when you play with me.” = Rule #1: bondage & discipline required nightly
“I’m looking for a shared experience that is exempt from expectations” = Looking for a one-night stand
“I like dive bars and all the flavor that comes with them.” = Miller Beer and onion rings for dinner
“I’m still in training” = Excuse for being an asshole
“I am not looking for money or just beauty” = Looking for money AND beauty
Income: I’ll Tell You Later= Unemployed
“I’m a simple man with simple needs” = Let’s skip dating and have sex
“I’m too complex to explain… “ = So, let’s just have sex
“If you think you’re going to figure me out, think again” = Definitely think again!
“I consider myself an aspiring artist” = Please select a restaurant located near a bus stop, and be prepared to pay for dinner
“To know me is to meet me” = not familiar with the expression “putting the cart before the horse”
“In great shape and very loving” = “Mirror, mirror on the ceiling. . . who do you find most appealing?”
“Might have transcended formal education in early grade school” = Elementary school drop-out
“I like thunderstorms more than car horns” = I do not live in LA
“I believe a relationship is about carrying each other when you are too weak to carry your own physical and mental weight.” = Looking for my mother
“I have not dated many women in my life. I can count on one hand those women.” = I use that hand often
Dating Site Dictionary: Night Two
Deciphering online dating profiles, one by one, continues. . .
“Mr. Right” in Screen Name = He’ll never love you as much as he loves himself
“Seeking Women 18-45″ = looking to get laid, without getting arrested
College: I’ll Tell You Later = Didn’t go to college
“Oops, The Profile You’re Looking For Is Not Available” Error Message = His wife found his profile last night
“Currently Separated” = His wife hasn’t found his profile yet
“I will be most compatible with someone who ideally has a job/career of her own.” = I’m broke
“Seeking Women 27-43″ = seeking women older than my daughter, younger than my wife
Lists “Dumb and dummer” among Favorite Things = pretty clear which one he is. . .
Education: Some College = Dated college girls in high school
Lists “My BlackBerry Storm” among Favorite Things = workaholic. Or, part of a clever underground marketing campaign by BlackBerry
Lists “My Android phone” among Favorite Things = Android’s counter-campaign to BlackBerry
iPhone self-portrait picture in the mirror = he really is single. Or, Apple’s counter-campaign to BlackBerry and Android
“I work with my father” = Mafia
“I’m just bumping around enjoying myself” = there are a lot of other sites for that
“Hello Ladies” = “I’m from Utah”
“Looking for an intelligent woman. I don’t really have a measuring stick for intelligence.” = shouldn’t be hard to exceed his expectations
“The purported ring on my hand is NOT on my hand” = Who’s a cheater?
“I can clean and cook dinner ladies! “ = “but we’ll be too busy having sex to do either”
Profile picture of guy holding wine glass + “Drink” status: I’ll Tell You Later = I’m a terrible liar
“I have a wonderful family who are extremely important to me” = “I hope this makes you want to have sex with me on the first date”
“Being intellectual is a sexy, and tall, thin, cute girls are money!” = “by ‘intellectual’ I mean a sexy, tall, thin, cute sugar momma”
“I’m very easy going and God respecting. I love being the best I can be for her and us.” = God is a woman
“Charming eclectic Emergency medicine doctor” = I carry Oxycontin
“I don’t have a dog but I have a little doggy bed for you to sit on while we watch a movie” = trying to give up bestiality
More tomorrow night. . .
