Posts Tagged ‘Music’
Dating Site Dictionary: Night 14
“Last thing I read was a script. It wasn’t very good. That happens a lot” = M. Night Shyamalan is on Match.com
“I’m not a shopper, I’m a guy. I go buy things” = “I’m not a cheater, I’m a guy. I . . . “
“Occupation: I am a living, breathing stereotype. Except for the flakiness, drug addicted, stench of loser-dom part” = Actor
“I was going to stick my head in the oven, but decided that this would be a sub-optimal solution” = “Suicide. . .? Online dating. . . ? Suicide. . . ? Online dating. . . ? Suicide. . . ?”
Interests: garage sailing = Not going very far
“(My apologies, but for search purposes on Match – My age is 43 not 40)” = “Looking for an (18 – 3) year-old”
“I clean before my maid shows up” = “Here’s your earring. . . Please leave before my wife shows up!”
“I don’t let it take over my life but I allow myself my threes, particularly on a stressful day” = Favorite Movie: What About Bob?
“I am equally motivated by intellect and creativity, leading me to become a medical doctor, investor, and singer/songwriter” = “Seeking someone who will believe I’m a single doctor, with loads of money, who plays guitar and sings”
“I have lots of help at home, so I am both physically and emotionally available” = Lives with mom
“I’ve been using Pandora a lot lately. It tells me what music I like” = “Facebook tells me who my friends are. Twitter tells me who to follow. . . What good is technology if it can’t think for you?!”
“If you are no so smart and not so good looking… then I’M GAY!!” = No so smart
Dating Site Dictionary: Night 12
“I would say that I don’t lie, which in itself would be a lie but I sincerely work hard at being honorable” = Sincere, honorable, compulsive liar
“I’ll be succinct” + 6 paragraph profile = Short story long
“Even when we can’t make love anymore and all we could do is play bingo” = Still looking for that G
“I want someone who “Compliments” me” = We’ll complement each other well, as long as you tell me I’m “Amazing”
“Did I mention that I was sexy?…(lol)” = No, but you’re forgetful and funny
“I’m looking for a partner in crime. Someone I can count on to be there when I fall. To help me get up, brush me off and push me to do it again” = Be prepared to bail me out of jail. . . multiple times.
“I work in the music biz, support behind the scenes” = drug runner
“I still love my wife” = Married But Playing
“I like shopping for groceries at the mall” = Corn dogs and flat soda for lunch
“I came here to pick my woman” = “I like shopping for women on JDate”
“I have been amused, charmed, and had a few laughs at some of the profiles here” = Reads DatingSiteDictionary.com
“The attraction barometer is what it’s all about” = The Attraction Barometer – soon to be a top-seller at SkyMall
“I don’t have the buttocks exposing work guy pants however” = Plumber envy
“I forgot more than most men know” = This can’t be a good thing
“When my mother died, I quit working to take care of her” = Takes the saying “better late than never” too literally
“I work for an advertizing agency” = “This is one of my best campaigns: 15 Best Things About Our Pubic Schools“
Dating Site Dictionary: Night 10
“I want someone that thinks I am the greatest thing on Earth” = Beware of Oedipus complex
Sports & Exercise: “Other types of exercise” + Exercise Habits: “1-2x/week” = Part-time lover
“What little free time I do have I spend sitting and staring forward, watching horror films, drinking, crying, and eating cheese” = Too busy to date. . . thankfully!
“I prefer to live my life in a fantasy world” = “Meet me in Second Life“
Answer to question #11: “Wow, there sure are a lot of questions on this thing!” = “I have the attention span for 2 dates”
“I like to browse psych books and learn about my mind. I’m kind of scattered” = Academic schizophrenic
Last read: “How to be an Adult in Relationships. I’m still reading it” = “You started it!!”
“I have played with numerous bands playing a wide variety of styles, and that has brought me all kinds of opportunities and allowed me to meet a ton of great people” = “Groupies never get old”
“I love learning” = “I’ll learn from you and marry the next woman”
“Sometimes I feel like a ping-pong ball, if you put me in front of a room I’ll make people laugh!” = “Did you hear the one about the ping pong ball that sometimes stands in front of a room and makes people laugh?”
“Dancing will be great although I don’t want to go with some ugly doll” = Pinocchio standing up to Geppetto before Prom
“I like to chirp like a canary” = Safe sex takes on new meaning
“I am outgoing and very spontaneou” = Has difficulty completing things
Dating Site Dictionary: Night 7
“I’ll surprise you when you least expect it” = Has a good grasp on the definition of “surprise”
“We share an ease of communication and always engage in lively, fun conversations covering a wide range of topics.” = Favorite movie: A Beautiful Mind.
“Guitars in cases don’t get played” = Doesn’t believe in using condoms
“I’m here hoping to meet someone that recognizes the importance of good commutation” = Example from Merriam-Webster Dictionary: He appealed for a commutation of his death sentence to life imprisonment
Lists “how I met your mother” among “A Few Of My Favorite Things” = your father is on Match.com
Good morales = Dan Quayle is on Match.com
“Dog is one of my passions” = Dyslexic Catholic
“We don’t have to share all the same hobbies” = just one. . .
“I am looking to meet someone and not be sanding emails for too long” = Construction worker who brings work home with him
“I have a business dealing with women’s clothe it’s a very high end workout” = “Just like I leave the ‘s’ of clothes, I’d like to leave the clothes off you and get in a good workout”
“You should have the wisdom to go with the flow when appropriate” = “Just tell me I’m right, always”
“The greatest intimacy is best-achieved with some space” = Well-endowed
“You value sharing the tiny adventures of daily life with me” = not so well-endowed
Dating Site Dictionary: Night 5
This morning I received the following email: “Meet Attractive Seniors! Dating works better when Senior people meet.“ Let’s hope we get this figured out before it comes to that!!
“I enjoy stimulating conversations” = Prefers phone sex
“I play in a coed group twice a week” = Swinger
“I have faults and will readily admit them” = Also has a profile on this social network: CheckMate
“When I was a kid, I loved soccer so much that it wasn’t rare that I went to sleep hugging my ball” = Likes to hold balls in sleep
“If I was to summarize myself into a few paragraphs, I guess I would say that I’m most passionate about three things: Art, Music, and Traveling.” = A few paragraphs. . . a sentence. . . What difference does a couple of inches make?
“I’m a little rough around the edges. Whether that’s a plus or a minus depends on you.” = “Hopefully you didn’t pass first grade math because if you know the difference between a plus and a minus, I’m fucked.”
Picture of a yacht in profile + describes himself as: “I’m a down to earth kind of guy” = “My ex got the Gulfstream”
“Remember the theme song, ‘Love & Marriage’?” =Aspires to be Al Bundy
“I classify myself as the most romantic man on Earth” = “We’re playing that “If I Were The Last Man on Earth game, right??”
“Life is a mess. It’s chaotic, but beautiful. I have found that things will work out — just not as one plans”= Still has a profile on MySpace
“Yes, the “action photo” is from a chess tournament” = Asleep by 8:30pm
“The pencil drawings posted I did draw” = Sex have let’s now
“Have sung karaoke in 20 states and two foreign countries.” = Milli Vanilli is on JDate
“I love public displays of love” = George Michael is on JDate
“I have also lived in Massachusetts, South Carolina, Utah, Alaska, Texas, California, and Nebraska. I have visited Virginia, Arizona, Korea, and the Caribbean for months at a time. Have also traveled to Canada, Mexico, Denmark, Russia and Turkey. I may relocate again.” = Fugitive
“If you think making a fort out of sheets in the living room is awesome, then you’re pretty awesome” = “You hold the steeple”
“I am just trying to write enough letters to satisfy this damn form” = I’ll say anything to get you to have sex with me
“I enjoy staying fit and watching football on Sundays after Mass” = “I like to get all that stand sit stand kneel stand sit stand shit out of the way so I can sit on my ass and watch football all day”
Dating Site Dictionary: Night 4
Before you “wink”, “click”, or “favorite” – make sure you know what those online dating profiles are really trying to tell you:
“There’s a squirrel who lives in the trees in my backyard who sounds a lot like a chicken.” = The voices in my head sound a lot like God
“I am in the studio most nights, but love to sneak away” = Married
Lists “The hole in the wall restaurant with its undercover delicacies” among “Favorite Hot Spots” = Doesn’t mind cockroaches and rodents
“People that I like to be friends with are people who are their own friends ” = Seeking schizophrenics
“At least I have my damn shirt and pants on!!” = Bitter nudist or overworked porn star
“No worries, there are plenty of stain removers on the market.” = Overworked porn star
“There’s always a wet canvas in my house.” = Overworked porn star
“Don’t be surprised if I bust out a magic trick that’s makes you wonder how in the hell that just happened!!” = I’ll tell you I love you and then rob you while you sleep
“Don’t let the fact that I work with numbers by day lure you into thinking I am completely analytical and dull.” = I’ve been thinking about this for 276 minutes and the odds of you not falling asleep when I’m talking are not in my favor. In fact, given the ratio of. . . zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
“Nothing could be further from the truth.” = Pathological liar
“After all, none of us makes it out alive!” = Suicide bomber
Want Kids: Definitely = Wants Sex: Definitely
“I seek mental stimulation (as well as physical).” = Spends all day thinking about S&M
“To enjoy this ride, you must have a intellectual age of at least 25. Your body doesn’t need to be that old, of course!” = Looking for an 18 year-old who reads Vanity Fair
“I’m hardly done sampling!” = Has frequent one-night-stands
“I always seem to want what I can’t have” = Will cheat on you often
“I’m always walking around with a sketchbook in my backpack” = Lives on the Venice boardwalk
“There are rules to be followed when you play with me.” = Rule #1: bondage & discipline required nightly
“I’m looking for a shared experience that is exempt from expectations” = Looking for a one-night stand
“I like dive bars and all the flavor that comes with them.” = Miller Beer and onion rings for dinner
“I’m still in training” = Excuse for being an asshole
“I am not looking for money or just beauty” = Looking for money AND beauty
Income: I’ll Tell You Later= Unemployed
“I’m a simple man with simple needs” = Let’s skip dating and have sex
“I’m too complex to explain… “ = So, let’s just have sex
“If you think you’re going to figure me out, think again” = Definitely think again!
“I consider myself an aspiring artist” = Please select a restaurant located near a bus stop, and be prepared to pay for dinner
“To know me is to meet me” = not familiar with the expression “putting the cart before the horse”
“In great shape and very loving” = “Mirror, mirror on the ceiling. . . who do you find most appealing?”
“Might have transcended formal education in early grade school” = Elementary school drop-out
“I like thunderstorms more than car horns” = I do not live in LA
“I believe a relationship is about carrying each other when you are too weak to carry your own physical and mental weight.” = Looking for my mother
“I have not dated many women in my life. I can count on one hand those women.” = I use that hand often
