Dating Site Dictionary

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Posts Tagged ‘Wife

Dating Site Dictionary: Night 15

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Tip of Today (there won’t be one every day): there are a lot of men using pictures of Pierce Brosnan among their online dating profile pictures.

I assure you, none of these was written by Pierce Brosnan:

“Yadda yadda yadda wocka wocka wocka” = “‘I love you”

“The only current missing piece is a vacant spot on my arm” = “As soon as I can get this ring off my finger and this wife off my arm, I’ll call you.”

“I have yet to be on America’s Most Wanted” = “. . . so, when I yell ‘DRIVE!’ you get us the f@ck out of here!”

“If I were on Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood, Henrietta would take one look at me and say, ‘Meow, meow if I weren’t a hand puppet, I’d hit it, meow.'” = Crafting the perfect dating profile can sometimes trigger an acid flashback

“Helped invent GPS guided bombing” = “Don’t break up with me, or else. . . ”

“I like to make up stupid lyrics to well known songs” = Weird Al is on JDate

“My friends all say that I never give girls a chance and that I am too picky. I don’t feel that there is such a thing as too picky” = “You don’t stand a chance”

“Will try anything once” = “Bring a friend. I swear it’s the first time I’m doing this”

“Raised Catholic, but have learned to distrust organized religion.” = Raised Catholic

“I can be lazy, but I really don’t want to be lazy” = Really fucking lazy

“I want to be an actor/writer. I have never done any drugs.” = The difference between “wanting” and becoming is drugs

“I’m a sometimes college professor” = Higher standards in education desperately needed

“The problem with me is that I’m not your typical LA Duche” = “I’m the one that’s missing the O”

“im down to earth, iv got a sence of humor, im funn to be around, i love going out n partying when i can, i have my own landscape design bussnies that keeps me busy” = “im assking u owt”

Dating Site Dictionary: Night 14

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“Last thing I read was a script. It wasn’t very good. That happens a lot” = M. Night Shyamalan is on

“I’m not a shopper, I’m a guy. I go buy things” = “I’m not a cheater, I’m a guy.  I . . . ”

“Occupation: I am a living, breathing stereotype. Except for the flakiness, drug addicted, stench of loser-dom part” = Actor

“I was going to stick my head in the oven, but decided that this would be a sub-optimal solution” = “Suicide. . .? Online dating. . . ? Suicide. . . ? Online dating. . . ? Suicide. . . ?”

Interests: garage sailing = Not going very far

“(My apologies, but for search purposes on Match – My age is 43 not 40)” = “Looking for an (18 – 3) year-old”

“I clean before my maid shows up” = “Here’s your earring. . .  Please leave before my wife shows up!”

“I don’t let it take over my life but I allow myself my threes, particularly on a stressful day” = Favorite Movie: What About Bob?

“I am equally motivated by intellect and creativity, leading me to become a medical doctor, investor, and singer/songwriter” = “Seeking someone who will believe I’m a single doctor, with loads of money, who plays guitar and sings”

“I have lots of help at home, so I am both physically and emotionally available” = Lives with mom

“I’ve been using Pandora a lot lately. It tells me what music I like” = “Facebook tells me who my friends are. Twitter tells me who to follow. . . What good is technology if it can’t think for you?!”

“If you are no so smart and not so good looking… then I’M GAY!!” = No so smart

Dating Site Dictionary: Night 12

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“I would say that I don’t lie, which in itself would be a lie but I sincerely work hard at being honorable” = Sincere, honorable, compulsive liar

“I’ll be succinct” + 6 paragraph profile = Short story long

“Even when we can’t make love anymore and all we could do is play bingo” = Still looking for that G

“I want someone who “Compliments” me” = We’ll complement each other well, as long as you tell me I’m “Amazing”

“Did I mention that I was sexy?…(lol)” = No, but you’re forgetful and funny

“I’m looking for a partner in crime. Someone I can count on to be there when I fall. To help me get up, brush me off and push me to do it again” = Be prepared to bail me out of jail. . .  multiple times.

“I work in the music biz, support behind the scenes” = drug runner

“I still love my wife” = Married But Playing

“I like shopping for groceries at the mall” = Corn dogs and flat soda for lunch

“I came here to pick my woman” = “I like shopping for women on JDate”

“I have been amused, charmed, and had a few laughs at some of the profiles here” = Reads

“The attraction barometer is what it’s all about” = The Attraction Barometer – soon to be a top-seller at SkyMall

“I don’t have the buttocks exposing work guy pants however” = Plumber envy

“I forgot more than most men know” = This can’t be a good thing

“When my mother died, I quit working to take care of her” = Takes the saying “better late than never” too literally

“I work for an advertizing agency” = “This is one of my best campaigns: 15 Best Things About Our Pubic Schools

Written by Colette

December 21, 2010 at 8:54 pm


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