Posts Tagged ‘Wife’
Dating Site Dictionary: Night 15
Tip of Today (there won’t be one every day): there are a lot of men using pictures of Pierce Brosnan among their online dating profile pictures.
- Women – keep this window open to cross-reference his pictures with pictures of Pierce Brosnan.
- Men – time to find some photos that don’t appear in Google image search results
I assure you, none of these was written by Pierce Brosnan:
“Yadda yadda yadda wocka wocka wocka” = “‘I love you”
“The only current missing piece is a vacant spot on my arm” = “As soon as I can get this ring off my finger and this wife off my arm, I’ll call you.”
“I have yet to be on America’s Most Wanted” = “. . . so, when I yell ‘DRIVE!’ you get us the f@ck out of here!”
“If I were on Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood, Henrietta would take one look at me and say, ‘Meow, meow if I weren’t a hand puppet, I’d hit it, meow.’” = Crafting the perfect dating profile can sometimes trigger an acid flashback
“Helped invent GPS guided bombing” = “Don’t break up with me, or else. . . “
“I like to make up stupid lyrics to well known songs” = Weird Al is on JDate
“My friends all say that I never give girls a chance and that I am too picky. I don’t feel that there is such a thing as too picky” = “You don’t stand a chance”
“Will try anything once” = “Bring a friend. I swear it’s the first time I’m doing this”
“Raised Catholic, but have learned to distrust organized religion.” = Raised Catholic
“I can be lazy, but I really don’t want to be lazy” = Really fucking lazy
“I want to be an actor/writer. I have never done any drugs.” = The difference between “wanting” and becoming is drugs
“I’m a sometimes college professor” = Higher standards in education desperately needed
“The problem with me is that I’m not your typical LA Duche” = “I’m the one that’s missing the O”
“im down to earth, iv got a sence of humor, im funn to be around, i love going out n partying when i can, i have my own landscape design bussnies that keeps me busy” = “im assking u owt”
Dating Site Dictionary: Night 14
“Last thing I read was a script. It wasn’t very good. That happens a lot” = M. Night Shyamalan is on Match.com
“I’m not a shopper, I’m a guy. I go buy things” = “I’m not a cheater, I’m a guy. I . . . “
“Occupation: I am a living, breathing stereotype. Except for the flakiness, drug addicted, stench of loser-dom part” = Actor
“I was going to stick my head in the oven, but decided that this would be a sub-optimal solution” = “Suicide. . .? Online dating. . . ? Suicide. . . ? Online dating. . . ? Suicide. . . ?”
Interests: garage sailing = Not going very far
“(My apologies, but for search purposes on Match – My age is 43 not 40)” = “Looking for an (18 – 3) year-old”
“I clean before my maid shows up” = “Here’s your earring. . . Please leave before my wife shows up!”
“I don’t let it take over my life but I allow myself my threes, particularly on a stressful day” = Favorite Movie: What About Bob?
“I am equally motivated by intellect and creativity, leading me to become a medical doctor, investor, and singer/songwriter” = “Seeking someone who will believe I’m a single doctor, with loads of money, who plays guitar and sings”
“I have lots of help at home, so I am both physically and emotionally available” = Lives with mom
“I’ve been using Pandora a lot lately. It tells me what music I like” = “Facebook tells me who my friends are. Twitter tells me who to follow. . . What good is technology if it can’t think for you?!”
“If you are no so smart and not so good looking… then I’M GAY!!” = No so smart
Dating Site Dictionary: Night 12
“I would say that I don’t lie, which in itself would be a lie but I sincerely work hard at being honorable” = Sincere, honorable, compulsive liar
“I’ll be succinct” + 6 paragraph profile = Short story long
“Even when we can’t make love anymore and all we could do is play bingo” = Still looking for that G
“I want someone who “Compliments” me” = We’ll complement each other well, as long as you tell me I’m “Amazing”
“Did I mention that I was sexy?…(lol)” = No, but you’re forgetful and funny
“I’m looking for a partner in crime. Someone I can count on to be there when I fall. To help me get up, brush me off and push me to do it again” = Be prepared to bail me out of jail. . . multiple times.
“I work in the music biz, support behind the scenes” = drug runner
“I still love my wife” = Married But Playing
“I like shopping for groceries at the mall” = Corn dogs and flat soda for lunch
“I came here to pick my woman” = “I like shopping for women on JDate”
“I have been amused, charmed, and had a few laughs at some of the profiles here” = Reads DatingSiteDictionary.com
“The attraction barometer is what it’s all about” = The Attraction Barometer – soon to be a top-seller at SkyMall
“I don’t have the buttocks exposing work guy pants however” = Plumber envy
“I forgot more than most men know” = This can’t be a good thing
“When my mother died, I quit working to take care of her” = Takes the saying “better late than never” too literally
“I work for an advertizing agency” = “This is one of my best campaigns: 15 Best Things About Our Pubic Schools“
