Posts Tagged ‘Work’
Dating Site Dictionary: Night 15
Tip of Today (there won’t be one every day): there are a lot of men using pictures of Pierce Brosnan among their online dating profile pictures.
- Women – keep this window open to cross-reference his pictures with pictures of Pierce Brosnan.
- Men – time to find some photos that don’t appear in Google image search results
I assure you, none of these was written by Pierce Brosnan:
“Yadda yadda yadda wocka wocka wocka” = “‘I love you”
“The only current missing piece is a vacant spot on my arm” = “As soon as I can get this ring off my finger and this wife off my arm, I’ll call you.”
“I have yet to be on America’s Most Wanted” = “. . . so, when I yell ‘DRIVE!’ you get us the f@ck out of here!”
“If I were on Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood, Henrietta would take one look at me and say, ‘Meow, meow if I weren’t a hand puppet, I’d hit it, meow.’” = Crafting the perfect dating profile can sometimes trigger an acid flashback
“Helped invent GPS guided bombing” = “Don’t break up with me, or else. . . “
“I like to make up stupid lyrics to well known songs” = Weird Al is on JDate
“My friends all say that I never give girls a chance and that I am too picky. I don’t feel that there is such a thing as too picky” = “You don’t stand a chance”
“Will try anything once” = “Bring a friend. I swear it’s the first time I’m doing this”
“Raised Catholic, but have learned to distrust organized religion.” = Raised Catholic
“I can be lazy, but I really don’t want to be lazy” = Really fucking lazy
“I want to be an actor/writer. I have never done any drugs.” = The difference between “wanting” and becoming is drugs
“I’m a sometimes college professor” = Higher standards in education desperately needed
“The problem with me is that I’m not your typical LA Duche” = “I’m the one that’s missing the O”
“im down to earth, iv got a sence of humor, im funn to be around, i love going out n partying when i can, i have my own landscape design bussnies that keeps me busy” = “im assking u owt”
Dating Site Dictionary: Night 14
“Last thing I read was a script. It wasn’t very good. That happens a lot” = M. Night Shyamalan is on Match.com
“I’m not a shopper, I’m a guy. I go buy things” = “I’m not a cheater, I’m a guy. I . . . “
“Occupation: I am a living, breathing stereotype. Except for the flakiness, drug addicted, stench of loser-dom part” = Actor
“I was going to stick my head in the oven, but decided that this would be a sub-optimal solution” = “Suicide. . .? Online dating. . . ? Suicide. . . ? Online dating. . . ? Suicide. . . ?”
Interests: garage sailing = Not going very far
“(My apologies, but for search purposes on Match – My age is 43 not 40)” = “Looking for an (18 – 3) year-old”
“I clean before my maid shows up” = “Here’s your earring. . . Please leave before my wife shows up!”
“I don’t let it take over my life but I allow myself my threes, particularly on a stressful day” = Favorite Movie: What About Bob?
“I am equally motivated by intellect and creativity, leading me to become a medical doctor, investor, and singer/songwriter” = “Seeking someone who will believe I’m a single doctor, with loads of money, who plays guitar and sings”
“I have lots of help at home, so I am both physically and emotionally available” = Lives with mom
“I’ve been using Pandora a lot lately. It tells me what music I like” = “Facebook tells me who my friends are. Twitter tells me who to follow. . . What good is technology if it can’t think for you?!”
“If you are no so smart and not so good looking… then I’M GAY!!” = No so smart
Dating Site Dictionary: Night 9
“I come equipped with candlelight and pleasant surprises” = “Surprise! I can’t afford electricity!”
“I’m a perfectionist who knows he isn’t perfect and doesn’t expect it from others” = Has no idea what it means to be a “perfectionist”
“Don’t play cheating games, been there done that! Not looking for a commitment right away of course” = Tired of playing games, but still wants to sleep around, OK??
“I’ve never been arrested, which makes me proud and a little sad sometimes” = Criminal, looking for some recognition
“I’m not just for breeding and nor should you be!” = Expelled from Catholic school
“I wish Netflix existed ten years ago; a very big movie fan” = Very big movie fans know that Netflix did exist ten years ago
“And, my dirty little secret is singing Country Music.” = “My petite wife is singing Country Music in the shower”
“She should recognize there is more to life than money and work” = “I have neither”
“Success is important, but I would work less to spend time with those I love than more” =Aspiring stay-at-home dad. Plan on hiring a tutor for English.
“I’m looking for someone who understands that working late sometimes can be for the good of both of us” = “Affairs are good for everyone”
“Live as if you’ll die today, Dream as if you’ll live forever” = “Let’s have sex now, while I dream about Kate Beckinsale”
“My friends describe me as the Leonardo Ninja Turtle of the group” = hangs out with 5-year olds
“Love a lazy morning with my harem of pillows” = “My harem needs a refill”
“Happily was able to Flip Off The Man” = Happily unemployed
Dating Site Dictionary: Night 4
Before you “wink”, “click”, or “favorite” – make sure you know what those online dating profiles are really trying to tell you:
“There’s a squirrel who lives in the trees in my backyard who sounds a lot like a chicken.” = The voices in my head sound a lot like God
“I am in the studio most nights, but love to sneak away” = Married
Lists “The hole in the wall restaurant with its undercover delicacies” among “Favorite Hot Spots” = Doesn’t mind cockroaches and rodents
“People that I like to be friends with are people who are their own friends ” = Seeking schizophrenics
“At least I have my damn shirt and pants on!!” = Bitter nudist or overworked porn star
“No worries, there are plenty of stain removers on the market.” = Overworked porn star
“There’s always a wet canvas in my house.” = Overworked porn star
“Don’t be surprised if I bust out a magic trick that’s makes you wonder how in the hell that just happened!!” = I’ll tell you I love you and then rob you while you sleep
“Don’t let the fact that I work with numbers by day lure you into thinking I am completely analytical and dull.” = I’ve been thinking about this for 276 minutes and the odds of you not falling asleep when I’m talking are not in my favor. In fact, given the ratio of. . . zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
“Nothing could be further from the truth.” = Pathological liar
“After all, none of us makes it out alive!” = Suicide bomber
Want Kids: Definitely = Wants Sex: Definitely
“I seek mental stimulation (as well as physical).” = Spends all day thinking about S&M
“To enjoy this ride, you must have a intellectual age of at least 25. Your body doesn’t need to be that old, of course!” = Looking for an 18 year-old who reads Vanity Fair
“I’m hardly done sampling!” = Has frequent one-night-stands
“I always seem to want what I can’t have” = Will cheat on you often
“I’m always walking around with a sketchbook in my backpack” = Lives on the Venice boardwalk
“There are rules to be followed when you play with me.” = Rule #1: bondage & discipline required nightly
“I’m looking for a shared experience that is exempt from expectations” = Looking for a one-night stand
“I like dive bars and all the flavor that comes with them.” = Miller Beer and onion rings for dinner
“I’m still in training” = Excuse for being an asshole
“I am not looking for money or just beauty” = Looking for money AND beauty
Income: I’ll Tell You Later= Unemployed
“I’m a simple man with simple needs” = Let’s skip dating and have sex
“I’m too complex to explain… “ = So, let’s just have sex
“If you think you’re going to figure me out, think again” = Definitely think again!
“I consider myself an aspiring artist” = Please select a restaurant located near a bus stop, and be prepared to pay for dinner
“To know me is to meet me” = not familiar with the expression “putting the cart before the horse”
“In great shape and very loving” = “Mirror, mirror on the ceiling. . . who do you find most appealing?”
“Might have transcended formal education in early grade school” = Elementary school drop-out
“I like thunderstorms more than car horns” = I do not live in LA
“I believe a relationship is about carrying each other when you are too weak to carry your own physical and mental weight.” = Looking for my mother
“I have not dated many women in my life. I can count on one hand those women.” = I use that hand often
